A Time To Change

May 28, 2012

Starting weight:         269 – March 15, 2012

Current weight:         244 – May 28, 2012

Hi friends and family!  I know it has been quite sometime since I last posted and for that I am truly sorry, however, life has been, well, busy to say the very least!  I have been putting in extra hours at work, my daughter is home from college and I have been working out at least 6 days a week!  Yes, that is correct, I went from 3 days per week to 6 days, however, being busy has not prevented me from maintaining my weight-loss goal!  As of this morning I officially weigh in at 244 pounds.

While I count this loss as a milestone, 25 pounds from the time I started this blog and 30 pounds from my high of 274, I can’t get too excited or celebrate.  You see, I have this fear of waking up one morning and all the weight has managed to find its way back on my body!  No, for me there is no celebration, not yet anyway.  In fact, I find myself getting angry, angry that I allowed myself to become this obese in the first place.  I am mad at myself for missing out on the enjoyments that life has to offer.  There is so much I have missed out on because I was fat and I did not want to be around people!  How can I really enjoy life when I look and feel miserable?

Well, hopefully my attitude will change as I lose more weight.  I definitely don’t want to go through life angry…not after working so hard to reach such a dramatic goal.  I mentioned in an earlier post that I did not want to psychoanalyze my actions; I may be changing my opinion of that right now.  I don’t want to figure out how I got fat…I know how!  I ate too much and did not exercise enough!  I want to understand why I am mad at myself and can’t be happy for my small accomplishments, like a 25-pound drop in weight.  I also want to learn how to enjoy life, not because I deserve to, but because life is worth enjoying. 

So, with that said, I am going to continue to focus on my weight-loss, but I realize now, that I need to focus on a serious attitude adjustment when it comes to myself.  As I have mentioned before, this is not about yesterday but rather about the here and now as well as the future!  The journey will be, without a doubt, interesting! 

A Time To Change

Saturday was a milestone for me as I finally made it to the gym and am looking forward to going back soon!  I have been paying for a gym membership for 3 years and can count on one hand how many times I have actually made it there! While I need to clear a few hurdles the fact remains that I felt so good after Saturday’s workout that I know I can go back again and again.

There are several reasons why I don’t make time to go to the gym.  One is the fact that I have always wanted to try to get into “shape” before I go as I worry about what I look like right now.  Yep, I did say, “worry about what I look like right now”.  You see, I have a weird notion that I should look somewhat decent when I go to the “gym” with all of the buff people around.  The thoughts come rushing into my head that all the beautiful, fit people around me are judging me for being so out of shape and wondering why I am there! If I can’t look like them and work like them, I certainly can’t join them…blah blah blah.  What a crock of mental garbage! 

So that is step one…”stop thinking about what others might think and get my butt there”, is the attitude I need to adopt!  I need to view everyone as inspirations and stop thinking they are judging me.  Who cares if they are!  The fact is no one judges me harder than me.  If I could adopt this attitude then, just maybe, I can literally lose my caboose.

Another major hurdle is scheduling the time to go.  Everything else becomes so much more important than getting to the gym.  I really need to realize that nothing is more important than my health and ability to enjoy life!

So once I have my attitude adjustment how do I accomplish making it to the gym?  Well, the first thing I am doing is committing to going at least three days per week and work my way up to 5 or 6 days.  This will take some time but I know I can do it.  This all goes back to my all or nothing attitude.  Starting off with three days is better than no days but if I try to go too many days my joints will endure pain that at times can be intolerable!

Second, I am going to resolve to complete my baby steps around the time I go to the gym.  The gym is extremely important to build into my schedule and I cannot let small projects that I want to complete get in the way.  In fact, implementing regular workouts should help to get my energy up so I can accomplish my removal of visual noise goals

Third, I am going to build a weekly schedule.  Unless it is for work or dealing with my daughter I have never been one to live by a schedule.  I never plan what I am going to do in my free time until I get up in the morning.  I cannot live like this if I want to be successful in losing 150+ pounds.  Sunday’s will be my day to work my schedule for the week and commit to it.  I am certain this will lead to ultimate weight loss success.  As I accomplish tasks on my schedule I can mark them off and visually see my accomplishments which will in turn make me feel even better!

The point is I loved the way I felt after just one workout and need to hold onto that feeling.  If I want to succeed at losing weight then I need to exercise.  My ability to succeed will come by adopting a new attitude about going to the gym, not pushing myself harder than what I can physically do, and scheduling the time to go and sticking to the schedule.  It won’t be easy, but I really want to see the end results!

A Time To Change

I am sure by now many of you are wondering what my plan is.  How am I going to get this weight off?  The answer is simple, right?  Eat less and exercise more.  Sounds great, but realistically speaking this is not as simple as it sounds.  To accomplish my huge weight loss transformation I really need to take some baby steps

One baby step I need to take is to conquer my “all or nothing” attitude.  I cannot count the endless times I have started a diet only to be derailed by “something” and lose focus and plan to start over the next day or next Monday or next month…it is a vicious cycle.  The funny thing is, once I break down and give into a temptation I have to consume then entire thing.  It doesn’t stop there.  This is where my “all or nothing attitude” comes into play…in my mind I start justifying that fact that I already screwed up so I think what the hell and dive right into my trough eating whatever I can find.  I truly believe that it is perfectly fine to indulge in something that might not be the best for my weight loss goal, but to overindulge is asking for too much trouble.   

Visual noise (thank you Robin) also has a way of affecting my “all or nothing” attitude.  My condo is clean but not exactly the most organized and I cannot stand it.  The last year has been such a rollercoaster with my health and emotions that I find a way of shutting out the visual noise…those little projects that I have started but not completed that now have my living space in such a disarray that I shut down thinking about it.  When I shut down I go right into the bad habits that got me to the point I am now.  I sit on the couch, watch Hallmark movies all day and eat whatever I can find.  My form of exercise is getting up and walking to the kitchen or bathroom.  Most weekends I don’t even walk outside.  You can only imagine how I feel about myself after one of these weekends! 

Now, back to the question at hand; how am I going to get this weight off?  Physically, weight loss is about input versus output.  I need to eat better foods and exercise.  Mentally though, losing weight will be the most challenging.  I need to start having mini accomplishments so I start feeling better about myself.  What do I mean by that?  I need to set mini goals and follow through with them.  The best way for me to accomplish this is to make lists of what I want to accomplish and plan the project.  Below are a few examples of some the goals I want to accomplish.

To get started losing weight:

1.       Start my blog ~ Started

2.       Start exercising for 20 minutes every other day ~ Started  

3.       Track my caloric intake ~ Started

4.       Drink 64oz of water daily ~ Doing

Mini goals to get rid of visual noise:

1.       Clean and organize my closet

2.       Clean and organize refrigerator

3.       Clean and organize pantry

4.       Organize bathroom drawers

5.       Clean and organize garage

6.       Read more and watch less

7.       Organize my personal files

These are just a few of the goals I want to accomplish that I feel will help me really dive into my major goal of losing weight.  I am not saying that I can’t lose weight if I have not accomplished these goals but for myself, the more organized I am the more I can concentrate on me and not shut down.  I also feel that I have beaten myself up so badly that I need to have small, attainable goals that I achieve on a regular basis to show that I am more than capable of losing 150+ pounds.  By setting these goals and planning the projects out, I am more likely to accomplish them.  I feel that putting a plan of action together will counteract my “all or nothing” trait because things will get done.

Am I waiting to accomplish the mini goals before I start my change?  No way!  I have too much to lose and everything to gain to put losing weight on hold any longer.  I am taking baby steps to clean house both physically and emotionally so that I have a better opportunity to succeed with my weight loss.

March 11, 2012 ~ The Beginning.

March 13, 2012 ~ Obesity and My Health.

May 15, 2012 ~ My Wicked Twisted Mind.

A Time To Change

How did I get to be 269 pounds…simply put, I ate too much of the bad stuff and sat on my butt too long!  While I have been battling health issues with my thyroid and my knees and hips, the bottom line is I overindulged in food…I always have.  The sad part is I know better.  I know that it takes 3500 calories to gain or lose 1 pound.  I know that input versus output is weight-loss or weight-gain.   I know all of this but I still gained weight.  Why?  Because I never took initiative!  I have established bad habits throughout my life and I never said enough is enough.  That is until now.

The question is why?  I am not sure and really don’t want to psychoanalyze my past as I truly believe in understand what my habit is today and how I can change it tomorrow.  Understanding why I make choices is important so that I don’t fall backwards, but to me, establishing good habits is even more important.  Some of my poor habits may be based on emotional stresses in my life as I do tend to turn to food when something creates undo additional stress in my life, but I can take control and reverse the bad habits I have created.  The first step is recognizing the bad habit and fighting it!  This to me is one of the most difficult challenges in losing weight.

So what are some of my bad habits?  Where to begin…one is just not understanding when my stomach is truly full.  I will eat and eat until I am so full I am in pain.  This fullness will last until the next morning and leads to a miserable nights sleep.  This is just way too much.  Food is supposed to provide you with the means to live a healthy, long life, not create miserable pain!

Another bad habit, I eat when I am down and don’t stop.  Oh..that’s right, I have been down for the last 2 years!  Back to the subject; I can put down an entire large, thin crust pizza in one sitting, a pound of M&M’s®, or a whole bag of cookies.  I just sit and eat and eat without a thought of how much I have consumed.  What I can tell you is that I don’t feel any better after my binge, in fact, I feel worse!  Not only am I down for some sudden emotional stress, but now I going through the cycle of beating myself up for consuming a large bag of cookies!  Then I turn the TV on and shut my mind and emotions off!

The other bad habit is not moving!  A body needs to stay active.  Even light exercise has substantial benefits on our physical and mental health and our weight.  The last few years I have been so sedentary and gained so much weight that it is painful to move at times.  Getting back into regular exercise routines is rather difficult for me because of my size, my hip, and my knees.  I have to slowly work into regular routines and fight the emotions and anger with myself.   In the end, I have to remember, it will be so worth it!

Losing weight is challenging, but it can be done.  In my personal opinion, understanding what my bad habits are and making the commitment to change them is what is most important.  If I don’t take control of the bad habits and substitute good habits, any weight I lose will be all be in vain!  Now is truly the time to change!

A Time To Change

Anyone who knows me knows that I HATE the way I look!  I talk about it all the time…what is worse is what I believe others might be thinking when they see me.  What goes through my mind is truly disturbing.  Some people may not truly think the way I think they are thinking, but if we are really honest with ourselves, we know people judge overweight people all the time.

What am I thinking? Are you sure your ready for this? 

• I hate riding the metro.  Why?  Because I think if I sit down people will look at me and think I am too big and taking up way too much space and shouldn’t be there.  Even standing up on the metro bothers me for the same reason.  The anxiety I get is overwhelming at times.  Thank goodness I am not dependent on public transportation.
• When I walk through a parking lot and a car is heading my way, my first thought, 1000 points for hitting the fat girl…What the hell is wrong with me, right???
• Flying on an airplane…oh boy…I know my backside has gotten bigger, but I swear the seats are getting smaller. Not that I can afford it, but I usually pay a it extra to fly in business class. I really dread the thought of being told I need to purchase two seats because of my doublewide…yes, you read that correctly.  Before I board the plane, I can tell people are looking at me and I imagine they area thinking, “Boy, I hope I am not sitting by her”.  When I am finally in my seat I begin having severe anxiety over not knowing if someone is going to sit in the middle seat and I am going to encroach on his or her space.  I often wonder if I am the only one that thinks like this.

I know that last thought is not far from the truth.  One of my Facebook friends actually made a comment similar to my thoughts above before he was getting ready to travel.  The comment really hit home with me as it was confirmation of peoples true feelings.  Judgment happens all the time and I suppose if I judge myself has harsh as possible it eases the blow to what others might be thinking.  I know this is not fair to others as I am assuming what their thoughts might be, but reality is what reality is.  Society cannot stand fat people. Harsh, but very true.

Look, these are just a few of the twisted thoughts that go through my head on a regular basis.  I keep saying that putting myself down is a protective mechanism that I use in order to better deal with the harsh world. I often wonder though, if it is my way of really beating myself up even more.  It’s like I am yelling at myself and putting myself down because I allowed myself to look this way!  The world is a really cruel place, but not any more cruel than I am to myself.  I have always focused on my bad side and have never given any credit to anything good I may have done.  I know if I am going to be successful at losing weight and keeping it off, I really need to change the way I think of myself. 

This part of my journey will probably be the most challenging!  Hope you are ready for the wild roller coaster ride!

A Time To Change

On top of being overweight my health took a drastic downward turn.  The past several years I have been battling various health problems that are directly affected by poor diet.  A year and a half ago I decided to have my first physical in years.  Thank goodness I made this decision as my blood work came back showing that I had a severe vitamin D deficiency.  The normal range is above 50 mg/nl; mine came it at 5 mg/nl.  No one has ever heard of vitamin D being that low!  With low vitamin D a person can experience server depression, anxiety, pains and aches throughout the body, extreme fatigue, moodiness, and lack of clarity in thought…the list goes on.  I suffered every one of these symptoms and more.  I was miserable!

A few months after being diagnosed with severe vitamin D deficiency I went to the ER due to neck pain I could no longer tolerate.  The doctors could not find anything wrong with my neck but they did find a sizable nodule on my thyroid.  Blood work showed that I had hypothyroidism.  My thyroid was now under-active.  The best path forward was to have a biopsy…have I told you how much I hate needles?  The biopsy came back, after additional consultations, stating that I may have a rare form of thyroid cancer known as Hurthel Cell Carcinoma.  The only way to be accurate with the diagnosis was to remove the nodule and the right side of my thyroid.  If it came back positive for cancer then I would have to undergo the procedure again to remove the remaining portion of the thyroid.  I made a decision at that point to remove the entire thyroid so I would not have to endure any more pain than necessary.

Finally some good news after months of bad; my final results came back negative for cancer!  Now it was time to start living and hopefully getting this weight off!  Wait, I thought it was time, but no…life seemed to get a bit worse, as if!  I was now put on a very low level of a synthetic thyroid hormone.  I gained 19 pounds in under 3 weeks, I started having suicidal thoughts and I felt the worse pain I have ever felt.  In fact, I spent one weekend on the couch barely able to move.  I made a decision that weekend to get more help or die very young!  I researched what I was going through and found a different endocrinologist that would listen to me.  We changed the medication and while I still went through some very bad emotions and pain over the months I can now say as of three week ago I feel better than I have in, well, since I can remember.

I wish I could say that was the only thing wrong and I was no longer in pain.  As it turns out I need a hip replacement and I have no cartilage on the inside of my knees.  I need to lose weight more now than ever before!  While surgery is pending, losing weight will help ease the pain I have and help with the recovery when I do finally breakdown and go under the knife again.  Oh yea, have I told you how much a hate needles?

So there it is.  I thought if I did not go to the doctor’s I would be just fine.  Well there may be some truth to that.  I would be just fine 6 ft under.  Does it scare you yet?  Hope so.  Had I not gone for that physical there is no telling where I would be right now?  That is how serious I am taking my health and the quality of my health care now.  I am learning to read my body, understand the symptoms, and most importantly, understand my mind. 

Again, I am not a doctor, though often I play internet doctor very well, but I encourage you to find a doctor to partner with in your journey for good health and long vivacious life.  It is never to late to take control.  It won’t be easy, trust me, but the rewards will be so worth it.

A Time to Change

Over the years I have been at war with my body!  I can honestly say my body has won many battles to its own detriment.  What am I talking about?  My weight.  I have reached my absolute limits…well, that is not exactly true.  I have always been at my limit but seldom took the initiative to do anything about it.  Well, now is the time.  I want to win the overall war of the battle of the bulge.  I am taking control and hope you choose to follow, encourage, and/or join in on my journey to lose the weight once and for all.

I have never weighed as much as I do right now.  How much?  Well, as humiliating as it is, here you go, 269 pounds.  Can you believe it?  I weigh more than 2 average sized women.   My weight has held me back from everything I have wanted to personally accomplish over the years.  A career that I am excited to get out of bed for every morning, a group of friends that I enjoy making plans with and not hiding from, traveling the world, and an amazing relationship with a man that loves me for my zest for life, intelligence, confidence, and just plain fun to be around. Basically everything I know I am but hidden under the mass of fat that encases my body.  My weight has caused me to watch life pass by without a great deal of true living.  Don’t get me wrong, there are several things in my life I am truly grateful for, my amazing daughter, my understanding and supportive family, and my friends that truly believe in me and know I can accomplish anything I set my mind to.  I am ready to show all of them the real person I am, not the scared, insecure person with all this extra weight.

So here is the deal.  I am 40 years old and weigh 269 pounds.  I have a thyroid condition, a bad hip and bad knees.  I am an emotional binger, but also love food.  I want to take control of my life so I can live a life.  I want to be a role model for my daughter and make her proud!  I want to help others through my writings to take stock of their life and make a change.  I have a great deal working against me, but now, more than ever is the time; A Time to Change!

This blog will be my honest journey about my weight, thoughts on obesity, foods I enjoy throughout my journey, learning to like me, exercise, obstacles, emotions, etc.  Very few things will be off limits.  As I learn to develop my blog some more I will start posting recipes, pictures and an open forum for discussion. 

This blog is not a medical blog.  I am not a doctor and will only provide what I am personally doing and tips I learn that help me.  I am working very closely with my doctor to get healthy and advise you do the same.  Trust me, going to the doctor can be quite intimidating, but not going can be deadly.  I highly recommend you build a solid relationship with your doctor.  I have never done that until now and I can really see the difference in how much my doctor supports me and listens to me.

I, by no means, am an expert at writing.  I apologize in advance for grammatical errors that may be found throughout my writings.  I will always try and review prior to publishing, but I can tell you now that I will make a mistake or two.

For those of you that want to join my journey, I look forward to working with you.  We can only get better!  Remember, there are people watching us every day, whether it is family, friends, co-workers, or children.  What positive role models we can be to our community around us if we take action now to get healthy and enjoy life.

For those of you following my journey, I appreciate your support and encouragement.  I have a tough road ahead and I really want to succeed.   I welcome your comments and suggestions that have worked for you in the past.

By now you may be wondering what my target weight loss is?  My goal is to get down to 115 pounds.  I am 5’3 and my doctor agrees that this is a good weight.  That means I need to lose 154 pounds.  The question is, can I do it?  Well, I think I can.  It won’t be easy, but this blog will make me more accountable; both to my readers and to myself!

As I said before, A Time to Change is now and I am ready for the battle of the bulge to turn in my favor!